IHLW Saturday Night Insanity May 11, 2002 The IHLW logo flashs on the screen, then is ripped away by "Cowboy" by Kid Rock kicks off the show and out walks...Bill Watts?! Watts: Welcome Jacksonville to JOSWF! I know, I know, you're saying "what the heck is JOSWF?" It's the NEW IHLW. You see, I'm the commissioner now. And as you all know, I don't do hardcore. I don't do lucha. And I sure as hell don't do insane. No more top rope moves. No more mats around the ring. It's all about Jacksonville Old-School Wrestling Federation! And I'd like to introduce you to your new official enforcer, Steve Corino, and the man who will be challenging Bill Goldberg tonight for the IHLW Championship, my son Erik Watts!!! *crowd boos* "This is Extreme" by Harry Slash & The Slashtones hits the speakers and the crowd ERRUPTS as Paul Heyman walks out. Heyman: It's me, its me, it's Paul E Dangerously!!! And if it isn't Bill Watts! *pulls out a cellphone and puts it to his ear* ring ring yes uh-huh okay I'll tell him. Hey Bill, the 1980s just called: they want their crappy boring wrestling back. IHLW is extreme! I am extreme! You Bill, you're just extremely OLD! Now, I believe your three minutes are...wait, I'm not in WWE any more. Okay, somebody cue "Brenda Stubert"...wait, no. Send for R&B securi...no, no, that's still not right. Oh, yeah, now I remember! Somebody better call...what's that number... crowd: 9-1-1!!! Heyman holds up his cellphone and dials the numbers in sync with the crowd's chant. Watts looks perplexed for a moment then... "Money City Maniacs" by Sloan hits and the crowd errupts again. Watts freaks and tries to run but 911 stalks out, grabs Watts, holds him in the air with one hand for what seems like forever as Paul Heyman pulls out a table and sets it up, and then 911 chokeslams Bill Watts through it. Heyman: THE OLD SCHOOL IS DEAD, LONG LIVE THE HOUSE OF HARDCORE!!! The crowd just goes nuts as we go to a short break... ...and return with Paul Heyman at the commentary desk at ringside, along with Jerry Lawler, Abdullah the Butcher, Jake Roberts, and Paul Orndoff at the ringside commentary table. Heyman: Welcome everyone back to IHLW! I am Paul E. Dangerously and I am your new extreme commissioner. IHLW was originally VERY extreme, but it seems the ownership had some concerns the product was getting watered down. So they brought me in! Before we get on with the show, does anyone have any thoughts? Orndoff: That was a wonderful opener, Paul! Abby: Abby wants ribs! Jake: *burp* Can someone flag down the beer vender? Lawler: This show needs more PUPPIES!!! TAKA Michinoku pinned Dr. Cerebro with the Michinoku Driver in 0:03:40. Rating: ** 1/2 The camera cuts to Ed Leslie, dressed as The Disciple standing in the crowd. Disciple: Behold my brothers and sisters, I bring you tidings of joy and greatness! I want you to all open hearts and your arms to the greatness that shall soon grace this heathen place! In a mere two weeks, your savior shall arrive! Be not fooled by the lies that the Christian church spreads, for they seek to drive you from your true messiah, the unstoppabled one! He who's name I dare no utter for even I, his most trusted disciple is not worthy to speak his name! But lo I pitty the poor fools who do not prepare themselves for his coming! The unbelievers shall be cast aside and the true followers of the Human Union of Life and Karma shall be rewarded! Back at the commentary table... Heyman: Jake, just what the hell has Ed Leslie been drinking? Jake? Heyman turns to see Jake passed out on the floor next to the table. Lawler: Hey Paul, sure you haven't been giving ol' Ed some of your kool-aid? Heyman glares at Lawler then pulls out his cellphone and dials something. Lawler seems oblivious... ...until 911 reaches out from the crowd behind Lawler, pulls him over the railing, and does a sort of throwing choke slam through the commentary table (as Heyman, Orndoff, and Abby scury out of the way). Heyman: Anyone else want to mock me? Orndoff: I think that was a wonderful decision... Abby: I think I'm safe cause not even 911 can chokeslam someone as fat as me. But just in case, if you don't try I promise to treat both of you to a free night off all-you-can-eat at Abby's Famous Place for Ribs! Ludxor White defeated Bull Pain via disqualification in 0:08:02. Rating: DUD Maxx Payne made his IHLW debut, running in and attacking Ludxor. Cham Pain joins to make it 3-on-1. Battle Ranger, Cosmo*Soldier, and Venum run down to clear out the heels. Maxx gets a mic and challenges the Rangers to a 6-man tag match at Memorial Day Melee. Albert pinned Zandig with the Baldobomb in 0:04:49. Rating: * 1/2 In preperation for their match at Melee, both men's tag partners (Saturn and Zangiev) were chained to each other at ringside for this match. That proved more interested than the in ring competition as they had quite the ringside brawl during the match. Rob Van Dam and Psicosis defeated La Parka and Great Sasuke when Van Dam pinned Sasuke with the Five Star Frog Splash in 0:11:26. Rating: ** 1/2 Cosmo*Soldier pinned Zonik after an Asai moonsault in 0:05:48. Rating: * Ken Shamrock and Mike Awesome defeated Kurt Reigns and Chris the Bambikiller when Awesome pinned Bambikiller after a flying headbutt in 0:03:42. Rating: *** Paul Heyman heads to the ring to make an announcement before the main event. Heyman: This is an extreme fed and therefore having a hardcore title seems rather redundant. As a result, the IHLW Hardcore Title is no more. At Memorial Day Melee, there will be an 8-man tourney for a new title, the IHLW Florida Title. Chris got caught in a Shamrock Anklelock after just a couple minutes. He wouldn't tap so Shamrock finally released the hold and delievered a belly-to-belly suplex that Mike Awesome quickly followed with a flying headbutt for the win. No-Countout-No-DQ-Match Public Enemy and Bill Goldberg defeated Team Extreme and Jerry Lynn when Goldberg pinned Lynn with the Jackhammer in 0:09:06. Rating: * 1/4 TPE and TE put on one heck of a fight in the main even, before Rocco Rock makes the hot tag to Bill Goldberg. Goldberg clears house, blocks Lynn's Cradle Piledriver, and pins him with the Jackhammer. Goldberg poses triumphantly on the turnbuckle, holding the IHLW Championship high, as the show ends.