IHLW Memorial Day Melee May 27, 2002 The supercard opens on the Jacksonville Coliseum with relatively good attendance. Commissioner Paul E. Dangerously is in the ring and announces a few minor changes in the lineup. Kid Romeo couldn't make it. But on the good side of things, the participants for the Florida Title Tourney tonight have been decieded: Mike Awesome, Bam Bam Bigelow, The Jacksonville Kid, HBK, Stinger, Bam Bam Bigelow, RVD, and... The Disciple interrupts Heyman and says Paul is not worthy to speak the name of the final entrant because he is the god of all wrestling! Heyman retorts that Hogan isn't the god of anything except steroids. Crowd pops for Hogan's name anyway. Heyman takes his seat at the commentary table and introduces tonight's play-by-play man... Tony Schivante! Heyman tells Tony all will be well as long as he doesn't confuse his spinebusters and his sidewalk slams. [Special Guest Match]: No-Time-Limit-Triangle Match Mercurio defeated Lizmark Jr. and Ice Killer: x Mercurio beat Lizmark Jr. via the Liger Bomb in 0:16:27 x Mercurio beat Ice Killer via a powerslam in 0:17:45 Rating: * Nothing special here; in fact, the match was a bit disappointing. It did help get the crowd warmed up though. [Special Guest Match]: No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match The Dudleyz defeated PG-13 when Dudley pinned Wolfie D with the Pearl River Plunge in 0:04:50. Rating: -1/4* Lackluster hardcore brawl. More of note was the post-match proceedings, which saw The Headhunters make their IHLW return to destroy both teams much to the delight of the crowd. [Special Guest Match]: Four Corners Match Razor Ramirez defeated Kamikaze, Ian Rotten and Steve Keirn when Ramirez pinned Kamikaze with the Razor's Edge in 0:06:05. Rating: -1/2* Wow, this show's just on a roll... Basicly a glorified squash for Ramirez. Is Da Bad Guy back to stay? Luger, Meng, and Kurrgan get their entrances for their match but before it can begin, "Real American" fires up. Schivante and part of the crowd go nuts as out walks...Horace Hogan?! Wow, those cheers died fast. But Tony, bless his soul, does his best to shill the whole thing. The Disciple follows Horace and begins bowing while Horace strikes various Hulk Hogan-esk poses. The wrestlers in the ring seem befudled until Disciple and Horace charge the ring. Disciple delievers the Apocalypse to all three men then Horace legdrops them. More Hogan posing. Disciple gives Horace a mic and he announces "Hulkamania is running wild again, brother!" [Debut Match] Tudor The Turtle pinned Fishman with the Ropewalk Turtle Chop in 0:05:50. Rating: -*** 1/2 UGH. Just an absolutely awful match. As the match concludes, Paul says he's going to call someone to make things alright. Cellphone, "Money City Maniacs", 911 chokeslams Fishman and Tudor straight back to Mexico. Heyman explains that its a real shame neither guy worked out: Tudor was going to be part of a new stable of Pokemon characters and Fishman was going to run around with a bucket of mackrel and try to trade them to his opponent in exchange for giving him the match. AND HE ACTUALLY MANAGES TO EXPLAIN ALL THIS WITH A STRAIGHT FACE! Tony is agast and wonders aloud who books this crap? Paul shrugs and adds "I dunno, but he must have one fucked up sense of humor..." TAKA Michinoku pinned Mike Quackenbush with the Michinoku Driver in 0:02:15. Rating: ** 1/4 Taka made quick work of newcomer Quackenbush, but the short match was pretty good. No-Time-Limit-Four Corners Match Zonik and Blitzkrieg defeated The Perfect Creation and Reckless Youth, Super Mega and Yoshihiro Tajiri and Michael Modest and Julio Fantastico when Zonik defeated Fantastico via pinfall in 0:07:05. Rating: * 1/2 Zonik got the pin after Modest and Fantastico got into an arguement and Julio ended up on the recieving end of a Natural Driver from his partner. Maximum Pain and Maxx Payne defeated The New Power Rangers (Battle Ranger, Ludxor and Venum) when Bull pinned Battle Ranger after a DDT in 0:08:28. Rating: * 1/4 Ken Shamrock pinned Kurt Reigns after a Frankensteiner in 0:04:19. Rating: * 3/4 Two-out-of-three-Falls Match Super Parka and Psicosis beat Psicosis II and La Parka 2 falls to 1: x Parka beat S. Parka via the Twisting Bodyblock in 0:05:13 x Psicosis beat Parka via the Flying Legdrop in 0:10:20 x Psicosis beat II via the Flying Legdrop in 0:16:52 Rating: ** 3/4 Good match and a clean victory here. La Parka bashes his trusty chair over Psicosis II after the match and offers a handshake to Psicosis. They shake then share a big hug...until Super Parka bashes both guys with a chair of his own. He gets a mic and starts screaming in a broken, semi-coherent rant about being used by Psicosis and leaves. The old Shawn Michaels Heartbreak Kid intro starts up and out walks...Chris Michaels?! in the old HBK outfit?! Figures... [Round 1] Chris Michaels and Bam Bam Bigelow battled to a double countout in 0:05:48. Rating: * 1/4 Michaels did an admirable Shawn Michaels immitation but with a hardcore flair: after he and Bigelow ended up on the floor, Bigelow was leveled with a big superkick. But he rolled clear of a flying elbowdrop off the guardrail through a table and neither man was able to beat the count back to the ring. The Stinger rappels from the rafters, but turns out to be Jeff "nWo Sting" Farmer looking like the old neon-facepaint bleach blonde hair Sting. [Round 1] The Stinger pinned Chris the Bambikiller with the Diving Clothesline in 0:05:32. Rating: ** 1/2 Nothing of note here... [Round 1] Rob Van Dam defeated Mike Awesome via pinfall in 0:04:53. Rating: ** 3/4 Mike Awesome tried a flying headbutt through a table, but RVD got out of the way and Awesome went through the table instead. Awesome had already been busted open by some shots from a 2x4 earlier in the match. This matter may not be over... [Round 1] The Jacksonville Kid defeated Hulk Horace by disqualification in 0:06:30. Rating: -* 3/4 Shane Eden debuts, with a gimmick based on the fact that he's the only Jax-area wrestler in IHLW. Horace wrestled about as well as his uncle, but at least with a more diverse moveset. Eden went to hit a move off the top but The Disciple shoved him off. The ref saw it and called a DQ, but got the Apocalypse and the Big Leg Drop as a result. [Semi-Finals] The Stinger won via default. [Semi-Finals] Rob Van Dam pinned The Jacksonville Kid with the Five Star Frog Splash in 0:03:47. Rating: * 1/2 Eden was a bit worn out from the last match and RVD capitalized. Eden shockingly kicked out of the Five Star Frog Splash. But RVD just bodyslammed him on a chair and hit a second FSFS to win. [Finals] The Stinger pinned Rob Van Dam after a powerslam in 0:03:54. Rating: * 3/4 It was the Stinger's turn to capitalize on a non-fresh opponent. He pummeled RVD outside the ring for much the match and won the match with a low blow and a powerslam. Heyman informs us in the name of being more hardcore, The Russians vs Albert/Saturn match is now a Russian Chain Match from Hell. What's that mean? Well, turns out it means not only are the wrestlers tied together by chains, but the ropes are wrapped with barbed wire as are the chains and everyone has taped fists. And its falls count anywhere. This match should be a nasty, bloody affair...right? Russian Chain Match from Hell No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match: The Russians defeated Albert and Perry Saturn when Zandig defeated Albert via pinfall in 0:06:09. Rating: 3/4* Or not. No blood and Zandig wins after a Baldobomb attempt through a table goes awry and Albert goes through the table instead giving Zandig an easy pin. Tony notes that for a hardcore wrestling fed, IHLW sure has trouble delievering in matches that should be really hardcore. Like that Axl vs Ian barbedwire match from one of the previous Eras. Heyman groans. Cosmo*Soldier pinned Great Sasuke after an inverted DDT in 0:03:51. Rating: * (Cosmo*Soldier won the IHLW Lucha Title.) Disappointing match and way too short. Cosmo gets the pin and the title with a inverted DDT after Sasuke missed a flying legdrop. IHLW TAG TITLES MATCH (FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE & ANYTHING GOES) TEAM EXTREME (c) vs PUBLIC ENEMY Jay Sin is barred from the ring area. Public Enemy have their usual table, which Team Extreme counters by bringing out their own table...wrapped in barbedwire. The usual brawling leads to the floor, but an Extreme Stunner can't get the win so TE bust out the barbed wire. The crowd starts going nuts with both teams trading shots with the wire and using it in just about every way barbedwire can be used to injure someone. Grunge drops an elbow off the apron onto Germany to put him through the TPE table. Rocco chokes Carson, but Carson slugs him in the face with some brass knux to break the hold. Grunge goes to the TPE secondary weapon of choice - trash can lids - and pays symbols with Carson's head onto to take another Extreme Stunner from Germany. More barbed wire gets used, as does a TV monitor from the commentary table, a leather belt, and a fire extinguisher. And they brawl into the crowd and beat the shit out of each other with chairs. Crowd is just insanely into the match, cheering TPE like crazy and booing the hell out of Team Extreme. Germany gets a boombox smashed over his head but Carson cleans house with a cane then dropkicks a trashcan lid into Grunge's face. In a cute spot, Carson syncronizes a few ringbell shots to Rocco with a Germany whipping Grunge. Grunge snatches a barbedwire bat from under the ring to clobber Germany then does likewise with Carson. Germany and Carson get laid out on the TE barbedwire table. Drive By through the table, crowd goes nuts, TPE wins, awesome hardcore match and easily match of the night and probably greatest IHLW tag match ever. No-Countout-No-DQ-Falls-Count-Anywhere Match Public Enemy defeated Team Extreme when Rocco Rock pinned Germany with the Drive By in 0:21:26. Rating: **** 1/4 (Public Enemy won the IHLW Tag Titles.) As Team Extreme leaves dejected, Rocco and Grunge celebrate in the ring with some dancing and waving of the arms. They don't see Axl Rotten and Terry Funk run in from the crowd and attack them. Tony is actually on the ball and references Terry and Axl's short lived team from the end of Era 1, Funkin' Rotten. Both TPE members get spiked piledrivers for their troubles. IHLW CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH BILL GOLDBERG (c) vs JERRY LYNN Brawling to start. Lynn works in some spots and a few light submissions while Goldberg does power offense. Goldberg spinebuster gets two. Flying dropkick misses and Goldberg waits... spear, Jackhammer, spl...but Lynn cradles him for two! Goldberg works through more power offense and submissions then another Jackhammer which fini...NO! Lynn shockinglu kicks out at the last possible moment! Goldberg gets nocked out of the ring and Lynn dives onto him. This prompts probably the sickest spot of the night as Lynn gives Goldberg a modified suplex that drops him face first onto the guardrail and Goldberg bleeds. Lynn rolls him back into the ring where a groggy Goldberg misses a savate kick and Lynn delievers a Cradle Piledriver for the win. Jerry Lynn pinned Bill Goldberg with the Piledriver in 0:11:53. Rating: ** 1/4 (Jerry Lynn won the IHLW Championship.) Lynn holds the championship up then gives us collective flashbacks to the tail end of ECW by using his finger to draw a big "L" on the forehead of the unconcious Goldberg using the blood from Goldberg's busted head. Lynn leaves with the title around his waist as EMTs come out to check Goldberg. Tiger Ali Singh accompanies them?! Carrying an American flag?! Singh sets up the flag on one of the ringposts then watches the EMTs attend to Goldberg, who has revived. They check him over and deciede to take him off on a stretcher just in case. Singh gets a mic... Singh: You all were probably suprised to see me come out an American flag. You probably expected me to attack Bill Goldberg. Or perhaps carry out a bag of salt and toss it at the crowd and shout "a pox of anthrax on you all!" or some other stereotypical line. I'm not here to do that. Do you look at me like that because you've been trained by Vince McMahon to expect me to pay an planted audience member to perform some degrading act? Or lead out some fellow turban-wearing wrestlers for a bad comedy act? Or maybe its because I really am a foreigner and you Americans see me and think I'm automaticly bad because I was not born here. Instead, I came here seeking opportunity and a chance to make something of myself. Instead, I have been made to look like a fool. A joke. I have had my turban defecated in by other professional wrestlers because they thought it was funny. *crowd chants "shit head"* I am a proud member of the Sikh religion! Would you people like it if I urinated on a Bible??? I hate you all. And its not because I'm jealous of your money or your fancy houses or because I think you're a bunch of infidels. I hate you because you're worthless, bigoted trash who don't appreciate what you have and take pleasure in inflicting pain on everyone else. I hope you go to hell!!! And with that Tiger Ali Singh pulls out a lighter and ignites the American flag he'd brought to the ring with him. As it goes up in flames, he leaves the ring quickly, but calmly...despite the fact that the crowd is practically rioting. Heyman and Schivante are speachless as we go off the air...